HIGH IMPORTANCE
NOTICE 1405/042National Snack Reserves Placed on Amber Alert
The Ministry of Finance confirms sufficient pistachios for two meetings, subject to nobody bringing an unexpected plus-one.
OFFICIAL COMMUNIQUÉREF. CB–2026–07
Calm in posture.
Unreasonably prepared.
Following recent international developments, the Supreme Council has convened, ordered tea, and established six ministries with overlapping mandates.
PUBLIC RELEASE23JUL • 2026
STATE BULLETIN•
All citizens are advised to remain calm, charge their phones, and avoid replying-all.
•The Sports Ministry confirms no match will be postponed without Danial's written consent.
LATEST RELEASES
Official briefings
Statements issued with maximum formality and minimum strategic consequence.
01
Statement regarding the alleged upcoming war
The Chakband is monitoring the situation between Iran and the United States with grave facial expressions. No mobilization shall begin before attendance is confirmed in the group chat. Citizens are asked not to panic-buy sunflower seeds.
Issued byOffice of the Official Spokesperson
DIPLOMATIC
NOTICE 1405/041Foreign Ministry Opens Strategic Group Chat
All channels remain open. The delegation has sent ‘typing…’ and awaits a proportionate sticker response from the United States.
CYBER POSTURE
NOTICE 1405/040National Wi-Fi Password Rotated Successfully
The ICT Ministry reports full operational readiness. The new password will be shared verbally and must not be written on the refrigerator again.
EMERGENCY ECONOMIC DIRECTIVESTATEMENT 1405/044
OFFICE OF THE GOVERNMENT SPOKESPERSONOil prices condemned.
Oil prices condemned.
Gas pumps placed on notice.
Government Spokesperson Hooman Shahmoradi strongly condemns the increase in global oil prices and calls upon people around the world to stop buying gasoline until fuel prices return to a more respectful level.
“If nobody buys gasoline, the price must come down. This conclusion has survived several minutes of internal review.”
The public is therefore urged to leave vehicles dramatically parked and conduct all essential travel through determination, group-chat diplomacy, or a sufficiently motivated friend.
IMPLEMENTATION NOTE
The administration recognizes that many citizens require fuel to reach work, where they earn the money required to buy fuel to reach work. This elegant economic circle has been classified as national infrastructure. Anyone unable to join the boycott may remain at home until markets collapse or morale improves—whichever arrives with fewer forms to complete.
Hooman ShahmoradiGovernment Spokesperson • The Chakband
GOVERNING BODY
The cabinet of six
One band. Six ministries. Zero contested elections.
01HSSPK–01
Official Spokesperson
Hooman Shahmoradi
Explains every delay with complete confidence and no measurable information.
02PEMFA–02
Minister of Foreign Affairs
Parham Ebrahimi
Maintains diplomatic relations with neighboring group chats.
03SMICT–03
Minister of ICT
Shahin Mohammadi
Protects national bandwidth and knows who restarted the router.
04EEMOG–04
Minister of Guidance
Ehsan Eskandari
Approves playlists, captions and morally acceptable dance moves.
05FGMOF–05
Minister of Finance
Farshad Ghaedi
Controls the treasury, currently valued at three split bills.
06DMOS–06
Minister of Sport
Danial
Declares football results strategically binding—especially for Barça.
PUBLIC GUIDANCE • LEVEL LAVENDERIn the unlikely event of
In the unlikely event of
an extremely likely meeting
- 01
Remain composed
Adopt a serious expression. Sunglasses are authorized indoors during official photographs.
- 02
Secure communications
Charge all devices. The ICT Ministry cannot defend a nation at 3% battery.
- 03
Await the spokesperson
Only Hooman may say “at this sensitive juncture” on behalf of the administration.
- 04
Protect match schedules
International diplomacy must respect kick-off times and extra-time contingencies.